Thursday, January 16, 2014
It's January...Need I Say More???
I wish I could just unzip my mind and have all the words pour out. There is a lot going on in my mind these days and I wish there was a place to dump it all....but I happen to know a few people, ok....maybe 1 (hi Aunt Donna) that read this blog and they do not WANT or need to go through that. So for now I will settle for getting a few things down so when I am passed this moment in time I can look back and feel .... something other than the way I feel now.
I feel like complaining...So I have been . Like to everyone I see. Why should I be different here?
It's January. It has been raining for 40 days...I'm NOT JOKING!! This is a rain forest and therefore IT IS RAINING!!
We have been in doors A LOT and then this really awful cycle sets in. Your in doors which makes you feel completely unmotivated to get outside. And getting outside is kinda hard because of the gear you need to suit everyone up with which then you will have to wash once you get back in doors and then you decide just to stay in side because you are unmotivated to do anything that requires that much motivation...JUST TO GO OUTSIDE.
Did I know this coming here. Umm. YES I DID!! But I did not know how it would feel with 6 kids. And just to clarify. It. Is. Feeling. Hard.
So I have a talk with myself reminding myself that it would be hard in VA right now too...right?? I mean sometimes life is just ...hard!! No matter the amount of rainfall...or darkness.
Priscilla is about to turn 5 and she is not really making things easy on me right now. She is a fighter. She receives love in a strange way. She struggles to play nicely without some sort of tension. She adores Lucy to the point of distraction. She breaks my heart daily. I try not to take it personal. But I just want her to let us love her and let her feel it, let her enjoy fun and play with her sisters and brothers.
Drew just turned 2 which is all together wonderful and difficult. I'm just gonna leave that there because the struggle I have there is nothing compared to the energy that goes into the older kids....so let me just remind myself of that...thanks
And now for me...probably the most difficult part of this troubling puzzle I am finding January to be. Why can't I just see past the moments of difficulty. Why can't I focus on the good that I know is there? Why must I cry ? Why must I need all to be well with everyone around me?? Why can't I just get focused on being focused? Why can't I seem to Parent with the End in Mind right now? Why are the moments feeling harder and harder?? I thought it was supposed to get easier the older they got?
I want to feel full of life and joy. I want to feel like these are the happiest days of my life and I am trying to get there....but ...
There is a but...
And I hate that...
The but will not be there forever. I know that. There is a point to it all. I'm sure of it. Until I remember the point I will try to get outside. I will try to get past January. I will try to enjoy January. I will try. Period!
Tonight: Clear night...no rain. We skipped Jack's wrestling practice, poured some wine, built a fire outside. Kids were able to run around outside. I sat, sipped, laughed and came away feeling a little less....
All is well and will continue to get better. I've been here before and I'm sure I'll be here again.....