Thursday, January 16, 2014

It's January...Need I Say More???


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I wish I could just unzip my mind and have all the words pour out.  There is a lot going on in my mind these days and I wish there was a place to dump it all....but I happen to know  a few people, ok....maybe 1 (hi Aunt Donna) that read this blog and they do not WANT or need to go through that.  So for now I will settle for getting a few things down so when I am passed this moment in time I can look back and feel .... something other than the way I feel now.

I feel like complaining...So I have been .  Like to everyone I see.  Why should I be different here?
It's January.  It has been raining for 40 days...I'm NOT JOKING!!  This is a rain forest and therefore IT IS RAINING!!

  We have been in doors A LOT and then this really awful cycle sets in.  Your in doors which makes you feel completely unmotivated to get outside.  And getting outside is kinda hard because of the gear you need to suit everyone up with which then you will have to wash once you get back in doors and then you decide just to stay in side because you are unmotivated to do anything that requires that much motivation...JUST TO GO OUTSIDE.

Did I know this coming here.  Umm. YES I DID!!  But I did not know how it would feel with 6 kids.  And just to clarify.  It. Is. Feeling. Hard.

So I have a talk with myself reminding myself that it would be hard in VA right now too...right??  I mean sometimes life is just ...hard!!  No matter the amount of rainfall...or darkness.

Priscilla is about to turn 5 and she is not really making things easy on me right now.  She is a fighter.  She receives love in a strange way.  She struggles to play nicely without some sort of tension.  She adores Lucy to the point of distraction.  She breaks my heart daily.  I try not to take it personal.  But I just want her to let us love her and let her feel it, let her enjoy fun and play with her sisters and brothers.

Drew just turned 2 which is all together wonderful and difficult.  I'm just gonna leave that there because the struggle I have there is nothing compared to the energy that goes into the older kids....so let me just remind myself of that...thanks

And now for me...probably the most difficult part of this troubling puzzle I am finding January to be.  Why can't I just see past the moments of difficulty.   Why can't I focus on the good that I know is there?  Why must I cry ?  Why must I need all to be well with everyone around me??  Why can't I just get focused on being focused?  Why can't I seem to Parent with the End in Mind right now?  Why are the moments feeling harder and harder??  I thought it was supposed to get easier the older they got?

I want to feel full of life and joy.  I want to feel like these are the happiest days of my life and I am trying to get there....but ...

There is a but...

And I hate that...

The but will not be there forever.  I know that.  There is a point to it all.  I'm sure of it.  Until I remember the point I will try to get outside.  I will try to get past January.  I will try to enjoy January.  I will try. Period!


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UPDATE:
Tonight:  Clear night...no rain.  We skipped Jack's wrestling practice, poured some wine, built a fire outside.  Kids were able to run around outside.  I sat, sipped, laughed and came away feeling a little less....
less!

All is well and will continue to get better.  I've been here before and I'm sure I'll be here again.....

14 comments:

  1. Hang in there, you are at the hardest point - I've been right where you are and it is HARD. You are most likely not getting any down time, adjusting to older kids staying up later and younger kids waking up early provides you with almost zero 'exhale' time. Just around the corner, really just around it - things are going to get better. You will adjust to less exhale time and start to embrace this new season with the older kids. Younger kids will be less frustrating when you are not so pulled in all these directions because honestly, with a large family Mom is pulled. (and when older kids become aware of conversations, your ability to lean and vent on your husband is curtailed - I need that time with him, but had to adjust because our older kids were awake later, during what had always been 'our' time)
    *Hugs* and prayers for you, while I may not understand Alaska life at all I do get how hard the days you currently reside in are. A new area, new friends, nothing familiar because even though you've lived there before everything is different now and so are you. When our family was in transition mode, I really truly struggled. It was hard to see the good of every day and to enjoy the moments. Give yourself a break, this IS hard but it is going to get so much better (and soon). It's always darkest before the dawn.

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    1. You are so amazing for sharing so much with so many moms. Thank you and I'm grateful for such encouragement .

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  2. I have a very dear friend with six kids who struggles with this EVERY January and February. She lives in Pittsburgh and really struggles with the weather (cold, cloudy, snowy!) and being able to get the kids outside. She longs for the sun, and there is WAY too little of it up there during this time of the year. She says it just seems interminable every year. I was surprised in your photos to see so little snow - I guess I just associate winter in Alaska with snow!! I know you're pretty south, but still! Hang in there - you can do this.

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    1. The climate here is very much like Seattle but with more rain and darker days ... Plus only 9000 people on a good day. When it snows it can be really difficult because roads here are so poorly maintained or plowed.
      I love the snow when I'm looking at those mountains covered in them . But most of the time it is rain, rain, rain.

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  3. January and February are hard I think because of the darkness. Add rain on top of the long nights and days stretch out so long.

    And how is it that I have far more snow here in maine than Alaska?!

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    1. The average temp here is about 45 degrees... Year round . The passed summer was very warm and beautiful but most of the time the temp lingers at 40 degrees all winter.
      Summer is about 55-60 degrees.
      We live along the Southeast part of Alaska which is a temperet rain forest... Hence the 45 day stretch of rain that caused my January collapse!!!!!
      Love Maine. I've never been but think I would love it all the same.

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  4. So my dear, I have a son with Aspergers who doesn't care at all about my feelings, a daughter who is six who also breaks my heart daily and I have to continually remember that I'm not to get on her level...I'm to love unconditionally, be consistent as a parent....and keep on keeping on. Much easier said then done. I have a four year old son on the spectrum...and a 2.5 year old that I can not potty train to save my life....and for now...even though I dream of returning to my country girl roots, I live...in the ghetto. BUT, the sun does come out and Pinterest and God's love is always there. Who could ask for more? :)
    You take lovely photos. Your children are little beauties. Be encouraged.

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    1. Thank you for sharing all of that. Perspective is helpful and I'm mindful of being blessed beyond reason . My head knows all those things but heart is all too human . My prayers are with you and your kids are adorable.

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  5. Oh...I also wanted to say that January and February have always been the hardest for me...at least over the last couple of years. I feel so cooped up, the world is so grey and I feel zero motivation. This alone leaves me feeling like a failing mother because I'm not as happy, creative....you get it. So, it doesn't take away the probelm but I started surrounding myself with plants, taking Vitamin D, ANYTHING. I'm glad the winter doesn't last forever. I hope you will have sunshine.

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  6. January is a rough month for many of us. I attribute it to the lack of sunlight and the coldness. I live in RI and it has been terribly cold - so much so that going out of the house (which I must do everyday for work) is a chore. While I don't have little ones anymore I find we all seem to get on each other's nerves at this time of year. All I can say is hang in there - you are aware that you are feeling down and you know the reasons why. The promise of sun and brighter days are ahead!

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    1. The effort of it all can be too much sometimes . I know there is good times ahead . I've been here before and I know it ends. Thanks

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  7. I LOVE the honest, raw feelings in this post, Lisa. It is okay to let your guard down! I get cabin fever when we have a 2 days of cold and rain. You are a fun, loving mama, and it will all be ultimately okay because of that. Love, Bridget Peach PS I can't believe the babies we had together are 5! How did that happen???

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  8. Hey Bridget!!!
    I know sometimes the days seem long but the years go by faster and faster. I've been feeling better because we have gotten out a bit more the last few days. It really helps when we can just not all be in the house ALL day!
    Hope to see you again soon!!

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  9. Hey Lisa. What about a retreat for you?! I just got back from one. What a spiritual boost. It always helps me to put life into perspective. I was having a tough time with things before going and now I feel more refreshed. One important point that hit home for me was to live in the "present" and not dwell on the past or future. Don't focus on the "should have" , "could have", "would have", "what if" , "if only" etc. Just live in the present with the armor of God. Use every situation good and bad as a prayer for your family and others. If you don't know of any retreats ask the Lord and see what he suggests. He loves you so much and is so proud of you. He knows your heart and that is what is most important. I will be praying for you and your family. We miss you all so much! There is still an empty spot in our hearts since you all left. I know God knows what is best and has a plan for each of us. God bless you. Angela Wilson

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