Sometimes we can get stuck in a rut. And the funny thing is we may not even know we are there. Admitting things are not great can be challenging. And because we are trying to meet the challenge we may not know we are in a rut...get me??
Since living here I have been doing a lot of navel gazing. That is the only way I can describe it!! Looking inward at me...does she like me?? Am I saying/doing/thinking the right thing?? Why is she not calling me?? Does she like her better than me. Very high brow thinking. Very...6th grade.
I thought I was just adjusting. Trying to find the right way to live here..now...with these kids...meeting these people. I tend to make quick judgement and then react. And guess what??? I am getting older. I am not the young mom anymore with a few little kids. People may not want to be my friend just because they don't see any reason a mom with 6 kids should be worth investing time in. And honestly...that is OK!!
Anyway...I'm done!! I have lifted my head and realized that I am me and I am not lacking. Of course I am not perfect but I am a good friend..a fun friend... a good mom and a good wife. I am a Catholic who loves to live her faith while sipping wine and knitting a sweater or two. That is just the way I want to be. I have waited a long time to feel this happy and looking inward makes nobody a better person.
A friend a long time ago told me she needed to spend more time focusing on her family. We were hanging out a lot and having a good time together, building a friendship that we both enjoyed. I could not understand that her needing to focus more on her family had nothing to do with me. My pride was so hurt that I could not truly hear what she was saying. It took me a long time and a long separation to finally gain clarity. And it feels so good to FINALLY understand something that felt so painful for so long.
Things happen like that. What once seemed like the end of the world suddenly make perfect sense. Navel gazing may feel like a bummer sometimes...but there is clarity and freedom that can be gained from introspection. It feels good to be looking upward again!