Sunday, September 18, 2011

Constant Conversion

 Pete and I had a reversion in Sitka about 5 years ago.  More of an awakening of faith and love of God and all things Catholic. For years I enjoyed a real passion for soaking in my faith and letting it begin to define me.  I took on many things that kept me feeling close to God.
 Being open to life, wanting more children, and most especially home schooling were all ways that I felt like the relationship I wanted with God was going to come and more importantly STAY!! 
 But as time went on the fire started to die.  Not the DESIRE..just the fire.  It was no longer an intense need to know all things God..it was more like a ..."I want to feel that way again, how can I get there?"  Over the years as feelings have come and gone I have found some ways to keep growing closer to God and my faith even if the "feeling"is not there.  Going to mass as often as I can has always been a way for me to stay in tune with God and be open to His grace.
 Some periods of my life have been easier to work out that practice than other seasons, sometimes it felt impossible to attend daily mass.  I have tried reading things that make me "feel" close to God and sometimes that works and sometimes..nothing!!
 But I keep at it.  I want a close relationship with God.  I want to feel Him working in my life and I want to feel the grace He has for me.  But as we all know sometimes the feelings are not there as easy as we would like.
 And other times the feeling is so there and so close that you feel on top of the world...God has recently moved into my heart in a way I never expected.  He has me thinking about things that never occurred to me before.  He has me feeling like serving in a whole new way.
 And when I am open to what He has planned for me I feel the grace in so many other ways.   All of a sudden I want to love Him so well that I keep my patience a  little longer.  I want to show my gratitude to Him that I say yes for the sake of others even when the no is where I want to go.  I want to set aside what I want to do and serve those around me..not for the thank you of serving...but for the feeling like this is how I show God my love.
 I don't mean to sound mysterious in the new way God has opened my heart.. I will tell you all as soon as dinner is not about to be served and I can think through the words I want to say.
 Until then (which may be awhile since Pete has the computer 95% of the day and I am determined NOT to buy a new computer for a few more months) I am trying to enjoy the feeling of fire and know that even when the feeling diminishes I will still be enjoying the Grace I feel right now..
 And to my sweet friend who just had twins with 2 toddlers around her all day..your fire will be there again and for the moment your service in these very hard days is the way you get to love God and serve Him....daily mass will be back very soon!!

 And who knows why I am passing out all these "words of affirmation"...that's just one of my love languages and I feelin' the love!!!
Love you all !!

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